I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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