Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
