Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
