I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
