Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize