Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
