I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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