i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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