I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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