i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
