i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
