i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
