420 ftw
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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