Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I deserve this hangover.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
