im six kinds of drunk right now
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
