You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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