and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
