update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
