Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
