He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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