1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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