capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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