i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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