I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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