I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
