Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize