Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
