we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
