Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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