I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
