You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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