You made me cry and you don't even care
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
