So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
