I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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