she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
