How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
