did you get engaged???
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
