Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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