You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
