I feel like I'm in dance class right now
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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