remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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