I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
