Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
