I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
