You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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