That's when you crack a 10am beer
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
