Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize