god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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