You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
