My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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