I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
