I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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