i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
