There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
