I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
