Swine flu. Run for my life!
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
