It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
