Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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