in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
